I have been waiting for something
Something like you
but every time I find our rhythm
I retract myself to the place where I feel nothing
Yet you persist with us
as if you actually want it all
tonight might be the night
but I doubt it

You seem to actually care sometimes
it breaks my heart
more than what you obfuscate
how much longer
until it happens
whether it be one or the other

You keep coming
I will never stop asking why
I don’t deserve you
why can’t you find someone else worthy
you waste your time
you waste your time

I’m paranoid
you reassure
I’m a bore
Take the lead
caress
show me
over and over

Surely it’s not all darkness and gloom
there has to be something I can latch my teeth onto
remember that time when we laughed so hard it hurt

The moments that we share in hindsight give me hope
Only in my mind
never spoken

I keep losing hope
You keep me afloat
I give nothing back
You keep coming back

My life has become ours now
Which is terrifying
I’ve never been one for sharing much
Why do I keep falling for this
because I want to believe
I want yours too

You scare me for all the wrong reasons
I just wish I knew why
why you say the things you do
I am gone
a lost cause
why do you keep dragging me around like baggage
You came on the verge of my end
I wish I could understand you
your intentions
you make me feel glimmers
so why won’t the clouds go away

When we are in bed
side by side
I look into your eyes
and you look into mine

When you are gone
I pine for your smell
my stomach twists
then you come back
to give me my fix

Sometimes I wake up during the night
you have your back turned away from me
and two feet has never felt so far

the way you get goosebumps
as I run my hands up your back
makes my stomach twist
You are a shining gift from some unknown source
you radiate warmth and in every room into which you walk
I wish I could make you see what I see when I look at you

Selfless yet strong
as you sacrifice yourself and your will over and over
don’t think I don’t see it
I see all of you

I’m afraid to open up
to tell you how I feel
something invisible keeps getting in the way

May 12, 2019 0

Doubts Are Powerful

The poison that lurks within your thoughts

Slowly making my heart cease to beat

You stand there falsely distraught

As I slowly unwind us back to zero

I see through your eyes

As you smile and say I love you

A brother a father or just someone else

What you want isn’t me

And so I smile try and doubt furiously

Living a life in a live stream

Hearing my own words said back to me

And you can only be kind while you hope I leave

yet somehow you’re better than most

Sometimes I doubt whether you and I are even here

Finding out would shroud me in total fear

Yet I hope someday to find

You and I cannot be unbound

My heart will start ticking again

Because baby you gave me life hope and dreams.

This is the best I can do

Be it not enough for you

I try my best for you and only you

All that I do

I want it to be you

Please don’t hurt me

Don’t let me be weak

January 3, 2018 0

I’m Not Alone

I’m not alone, I’m not alone, I’m not alone.

Frightening figures, fucking forever.

Death is looming over our minds.

Warp our imaginations some more!

never!

You are a bore

to the hand that feeds you

Laying out in the night gazing upon the stars,

waiting for the morning dew

…

Tomorrow can come no sooner,

everyday is becoming the same,

sick and tired from the day to day games.

I’m not alone, I’m not alone, I’m not alone!

August 1, 2016 2

Infamous

These walls, they’re closing in on me,

Ruminating rumours,

Only doubting their authenticity,

Show me the light, the one that I need,

Only on the inside do I bleed,

I walk on and I smile or I glare,

Meeting their eyes with mine,

Seeing how much longer they dare,

I always win!

Eventually.

So come and ask me,

I don’t bite,

nor with with my hands shall I smite your presence,

I’m playing your games and I’m winning.

Until I die I shall be on top,

Bully me,

I could use the energy,

Hate me,

I’ll only love you back,

Do as you please,

I’m infamous till death do us part,

Take me away,

Harrow my soul some more,

Because it makes me laugh, and I have grown to love it.

…

July 27, 2016 6

I Fell in Love

Is it possible to miss a love that was never real,

So cold she was at times,

It made me feel,

A love, a hatred,

Something,

I can’t explain,

Her fake love grabbed me,

and slapped me in the face,

Every ”I love you” burning in my veins,

I’ve been around the bend and back,

Thinking of her,

The others haven’t seemed to fill the void left by your smile,

Only for a while,

Come and kill me with your love.

July 26, 2016 5

Blue Blood

His once blue-blooded veins now flow with vodka,

He walks down the roadside,

Only seeing lovers entwined,

Fingers, thumbs,

Interwoven with an ivy vine,

Street lamps pulsating revivifying electricity,

Reviving lost memories of brighter times,

Seeds of despair and regret,

Blooming in the cage of his mind.

January 23, 2016 2

Untitled

there is what sounds like a middle-aged man sat behind me on the coach.

He is drunk.

How I wish I was drunk!

He has made the same phone call about four times.

He goes on to talk about work and how he hasn’t been paid for over-time.

He goes on to talk about how how he isn’t going to stand around doing nothing at work.

He goes on about how he wishes to get even more inebriated on the bus.

His voice is common and husky.

He sounds like a plumber or something like that.

someone who is used to the daily graft.

manual labor…

He sounds confused.

I imagine he has stubble.

And a short back and sided haircut.

I can’t help but wonder.

Has he found love ?

What are his hobbies?

Is he happy ?

Does he have children ?

He speaks with authority.

I think he is a boss or a manager of some kind, maybe self-employed ?

His life seems simple.

His problems ordinary.

I think I possess some kind of envious feeling towards him.

You know how some people are just plain and simply ordinary humans nothing more nothing less.

Like plain rice, casually just managing with no errors, just plain sailing until he dies.

Nothing else seems that different.

Just kind of generic…

A nine to five sort of guy.

I want what he has.

October 8, 2015 1

A Plea For Freedom

I’ve done a lot of things wrong.
I’ve done a lot of thing right.
Rabid red haired whores.
Dynamite.
You see, I just want to be left alone.
To be given a chance at a normal life.
Yet I am so alone, craving, wanting the touch of another human being.
Wanting away from your fascism and psychopathic mind torture and ideologies.
I’m going to run.
So chase me if you care to do so.
This is an appeal to you.
I’ve been a lot of places.
Seen a lot of faces.
I’m not so naive.
And only slightly psychotic.
What harm could my happiness have on humanity.
Amidst clouds of smoke, vanity, profanity.
So, no more secret agents please.
It’s fucking my head up.
I don’t know if I can ever trust again.
I’m hoping you shall see this plea.
Whether you are one or a thousand.
This is me on my knees asking for my freedom.
So just this once listen and let me get what I want.

September 13, 2015 1

A Journey

As I sit on the coach;
The wheels, they just keep turning ,
friends talking , strangers ignoring.
You see, we don’t exist, not to each other.
Although, you do get the occasional chatty soul.
I see cows huddled together.
You know, they say that when cows huddle together it will rain.
Walls on the hills, connected like road, lingering around up until the horizon engulfs their presence.
I see cracks over foundations, where nature fights the iron fist of man.
I see cars and people in them. Each with their own story. Their own lives.
Executive saloons.
Small hatchbacks.
Fragile and curved, rounded like balloons.
I see lorries, dominant steeds of the motorway.
I turn around and see a beautiful blonde woman.
For all I know, she could be my one true love.
Alas, I shall never find out , as I am much too timid whilst sober.
Which makes me feel sombre.
I see, you see.
I am not blind.
I see trees shedding their leaves.
Malting gradually, as they stand roadside.
Observing, patiently, for the rest of their lives.

September 7, 2015 4

Town Street Blues

A lonely night on town street.
Many apples to be picked among the remains of lost youth and innocence.
Many a brew to be consumed,
until I am blind with joy and distortion.
The clear sky of night, blissfully ignored,
due to the beautiful ladies of night.
Eyes meeting eyes.
Shivers up my spine.
Big brews and fine wine.
Exciting flaws anticipating rejection.